All They Want For Christmas

Not everyone celebrates Yuletide, sure. But now that the White House is #winning its war against the “War On Christmas”, people everywhere can solicit Santa. We peeked at some of our favorite world leaders’ private missives to Saint Nick.

Donald Trump: Dear Santa, as you know, nobody knows more about giving gifts than I do, billions and billions of gifts, and if the media weren’t so dishonest you would probably, and so by the way you are welcome for the fact that it’s ok to say Merry Christmas again, but you are waging economic aggression on America by hiring elves instead of Americans.

Rodrigo Duterte: Dear Santa, Now that China is sending me weapons, I don’t need your help to eliminate all naughty boys from my list any more. Thanks.

Vladimir Putin: Dear Santa, if we don’t get what we want in 2018 we’re giving Wikileaks a copy of every letter you’ve ever received.

Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: Dear Santa, I don’t ask for much. Just keep Donald Trumpright where he is until July 1.

Edward Snowden’s Cat: Dear Santa, help.

Nancy Pelosi: Dear Santa, please give us more to work with than evangelicals accused of pedophiliac sexual misconduct, otherwise we’ll probably still be snowed under in 2020.

Paolo Gentiloni: Caro Babbo Natale, come stai? Can you send me 4 stars this year instead of 5?

Recep Tayyip Erdogan: Dear Santa, I don’t believe in you, but the Christians do — please gift them the impression that I am leader of the Muslim world.

Kim Jong-un: Dear Santa, please give me more credit for stuff that Russia is getting all the credit for.

Xi Jinping: Dear Santa, you and I are both out of business if Trump follows through on this trade war stuff. Can I interest you in a new belt or road?