Signal of the Absurd: Saakashvili's Restaurant Review

What a ride Mikheil Saakashvili has had. In November 2003 he led the Rose Revolution in his native Georgia and became president. After two terms, a botched war, and a lost election, he fled the country to avoid corruption charges he says were politically motivated.

After hanging out in Brooklyn for a bit — where else — in 2014 he threw his support behind the Euromaidan revolution in Ukraine, and parlayed that into Ukrainian citizenship and a job as governor of Odessa. But after clashing with Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko, whom he says is corrupt, he was apprehended in a restaurant last week and thrown out of the country. He is now stateless and holed up in Poland.

We imagine his review of that Kiev restaurant as follows…

Reviewed February 11, 2018

Tasteless, overpriced, and excessively brutal

First things first. I’m not writing this bad review simply because my waiter tipped off the police that I was there, the cops pulled me by my hair from the building, and then I was deported to Poland…though these things definitely didn’t help. Even if I were still living large at large in Kiev, I’d be panning the tasteless and overpriced meal I had at Harry’s Carpathian Steakhouse.

I don’t eat calamari. Nor do I enjoy steak that is as chewy as calamari. Yet, that’s what they served me at Harry’s Carpathian Steakhouse. I was hungry enough to try drowning this rubbery piece of garbage in steak sauce. But Carpathian Harry thinks Moldovan ketchup is a low-cost steak sauce substitute. My tobacco-flavored mashed potatoes should have appeared on the menu under “Soup.” The salad was every color you’ve ever seen except green. The police arrived before I could order the six-day-old shifty-looking dessert I saw wheeled past from time to time. I’m giving the place two stars only because my forced deportation saved me the few Hryvnia I might have blown on this meal. And yet, despite the free meal, I still feel ripped off. And now I’ve been deported to Poland!

This review is the subjective opinion of Mikheil S and does not represent the views of Signal or GZERO Media.