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Today, at your caucus-themed Super Bowl party, as the 49ers try to hold back the Chiefs, you needn't bother to watch the game itself. Why? We already know who the winner is: the political principles of Senator Bernie Sanders.

That's right. The sport you thought you could rely on as the most 'Merican, capitalist flag-flyin,' Big Gulp guzzlin', red-meat, whitey-tighty, blue-collar battle of uncoddled smashmouth neo-gladiators – and where, might we add, Super Bowl ads cost a pretty $175,000 per second – is, today, an organization committed at its core to the redistribution of wealth. Take from the rich, give to the poor – that's the most socialist of all socialist socialisms, right? Feel the Bern.

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Or was that Bangladesh? Hey, it's not us asking, it's Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, who recently had a noisy tiff with veteran National Public Radio reporter Marie Louise Kelly. Piqued by her unwelcome questions about Ukraine, Pompeo apparently blew his top, barking, "Do you think Americans care about Ukraine?" To prove his point, he pulled out a world map with no writing on it and demanded Kelly find the country at the heart of his boss' impeachment trial. If Pompeo thought Ukraine was beside the point, Kelly almost certainly knew it was beside Moldova. But in a sulking statement afterwards, Pompeo blasted NPR and closed with "it is worth noting that Bangladesh is NOT Ukraine."

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