Art by Gabriella Turrisi

Let's be honest, who knows if 2021 will really be a better year than 2020.

On the one hand, you might say, "how could next year possibly be worse than this one?" On the other, 2020 has taught us that things can always — always — get worse.

But either way, YOU can always be a better YOU, and world leaders are, in principle, no different. Here's a look at the pledges that several world leaders are already making for the new year.


Emmanuel Macron, French President

I shall mingle with the common people. "Folks" I think you call them, yes? Angela Merkel's autumn exit will make me Europe's numéro un, but unless I persuade la France that I comprehend their problèmes, I may not be President de la Republique after the 2022 election.

Maja Vajiralongkorn, King of Thailand

I too shall try to win more public affection, particularly among these young people who are now always protesting to limit my powers. I don't understand how these kids can't relate to me. I'm a filthy-rich sugar daddy, hip fashion icon, and recent victim of online revenge porn. Basically the ultimate Instagram star!

Vladimir Putin, President of Russia

Resolutions? Hmm, no, no I can't think of anything I'd really do differently. Been here for 20 years now — what is expression, "if not broken, don't fix," yes?

Ayatollah Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran

As far as we are concerned, the new year starts in March. Until then the only thing that requires resolution is the nuclear deal — we'll be waiting for your call, Joe.

Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister

I will not, under any circumstances, visit Scotland. One knows when and where one is persona non grata, and their parliamentary elections in May are all the more likely to pave the way toward another independence referendum — especially if I show my post-Brexit face on Scottish lands.

Narendra Modi, Prime Minister of India

I will not mess with farmers again in 2021 if I can avoid it. Wow — just wow — was that a mistake. The Muslims have proven to be a far easier target.

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany

No matter how tempted I may be to kiss and hug him as though I were a Southern European, I will maintain my composure when my good old friend Joe Biden comes to visit next, this time as President. I WILL maintain it!

Abiy Ahmed, Prime Minister of Ethiopia

Give me a break! I'm quite preoccupied right now with a civil war, my neighbors want to stop filling my new dam, and my own ethnic brothers say I betrayed them. I'll try to take it easy in 2021, and maybe win another Nobel if I can make peace with Tigray.

Recep Tayyip Erdogan, President of Turkey

I will make a friend. Doesn't matter who. I just need one. Putin? Not sure. Biden? Perhaps. The Saudi Crown Prince? Probably not. Maybe I should just adopt a cat.

Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil

Well, in 2020 we hit a 12-year high in rainforest destruction. And hear me now: we are not a country of sissies, we can burn even MORE in 2021!

Bibi Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel

I will not — WILL NOT — let my right-wing former so-called "friends" secure my defeat in parliamentary elections this coming March. Should I collude with a rabbi to reveal (sexual) secrets about my political foes? Perhaps try a little fear-mongering about Arab voters to boost turnout? Ha, those were my old tricks and shticks — just wait till you see what I have in store in 2021…

Xi Jinping, President of China

I am not going to let up an inch in my quest to put China at the center of the global stage. Let us see how Mr. Biden deals with that…

Donald Trump, President of the US

This is a disgrace — there is no way in hell I am going to be the last person on any list in 2021, that I can tell you.

You, dear reader

What's your New Year's resolution? Let us know here.
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